Like many Christmas wishes..

mine for creating the best blog entry ever was never fulfilled. But that doesn't mean that this isn't a great Christmas blog (just like Christmas isn't ruined over a few absent gifts).

I hope you have had a magical (adjective of the month - get some use out of it. It's nearly January) Christmas season. Let's keep the post-season jolly.

ONLY
365
days
til
Christmas 2010.

Cheers!

So, here's the situation.

I'm really busy. Like crazy busy. But I have a renewed commitment to this blog where I want to keep a count-down all the way up til Christmas. So this is kind of a place marker. It's where all of my funny content would have been if my soul was not being drained out of my body.

This is what Santa would look like

if something sucked his soul out.

So, just to keep you informed:

15 days until Christmas! (I didn't even have the heart to format it in the tradition style.. how sad..)

In this Christmas post, I remind you of the meaning of Christmas

And I'm not talking about baby Jesus. I mean, baby Jesus is the reason for the season. He's the foundation of Christmas [it is Christ-mas, after all]. For sake of seasonal appropriateness, let's pretend we're building a gingerbread house. Jesus is the cardboard/plate that you're standing the house on. Without Jesus, you're just making a tasty mess you probably won't be able to clean off of your kitchen table without some effort.

The gingerbread pieces are the people around you that you care about. Pretend you live inside of a gingerhouse for some reason (I think that makes you a little gingerbread-person). You're in there, chilling out, catching what ever is on your gumdrop tv. It's cold outside, but you don't notice because there are walls that keep the wind from coming in. Life is cold half of the time; your friends, family, etc... that's what keeps you warm.

See all of that icing holding the gingerbread house together? That's the meaning of Christmas. That's love. Sticky, messy love. That's why we come together in the first place. Aside from those awkward situations, that's that makes us get presents for people. Even when Ralphie's aunt got him ridiculous pink bunny pajamas - she did it because she loved him. She also did it, perhaps, because she secretly wanted him to grow up questioning his manhood. That's another story entirely.

And the candy decorations? Well those, my friends, those are the presents, the tree, the blinky-lights, and all other holiday-inspired activities. It would still be a beautiful gingerbread house (Christmas) without them, but boy... it's pretty magical with them.

AND AS ALWAYS.. to conclude.


ONLY

17 days
until
CHRISTMAS!

The Christmas Gang

Here at Walmart, we're looking to supply all of your Christmas needs.

You want to warm your feet with the insides of a reindeer or a snow monster [which seems somehow inappropriate]?









We've got that.


You looking for a gangster puppy dog doll?













For some, ungodly reason... we've got that.

If you're looking to start a holly, jolly gang? We can help you out with that too. For some reason that I cannot really fathom other than that hypothesis.. we are selling Christmas bandannas this year. And they come in three different styles. Possibly so that a city can have up to three competing gangs (a more seasonally appropriate version of The Warriors )












I have a bunch of funny words I could say about these, but I think I'll go back in and add them later. Feeling a little sleepy.

ONLY
21 days
til
CHRISTMAS

The countdown has not been forgotten!

This is a blog entry that is promising a new blog entry tonight. It will be:
a. holly
b. jolly
c. heart-warming
d. all of the above

But just in case you can't count or do simple math...

ONLY
22 Days
TIL
CHRISTMAS!

I find myself eclipsed in my own shadow

When I started this blog last year (you know, before I started posting cute pictures of animals instead of content), I was on point. I was so witty. I don't know if it was because I was working with better material or what... but hats off to me. I was pretty amazing at this. After today (and this post), I am raising the bar as high as my Christmas Raccoon or my very first post about Billy-Bear's 4 Kids.

But right now, I am settling for mediocre funny. Don't look for gems here. I'm still mining them. You're looking at those cheap crystals they put in the watches that come from the claw machines. They sparkle a little, but we all know you only spent 25 cents on it.

So. Here's the topic I am tackling today with a little luster: Holiday Themed Soda. Now, we all know (or at least us soda historians do) that Pepsi Holiday Spice was the first soda to throw down the jolly gauntlet years ago. After Pepsi decided to discontinue that wonderful product, there was a real void left in the season.

That void was filled with Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash. It was a conservative drink at first - showing up mysteriously in November. Its packaging didn't look particularly Christmasy. But then it followed with hip advertising, letting us know what it was doing here. I can't find the words to say how much I really love this drink. It's something special and it was something unique on the market. It's done really well for itself - managing to make a return every Christmas season. This success has opened up the market for the holiday soda. On your local grocer's shelves this year you will find 7-up Pomegranate and Canada Dry Cranberry Ginger Ale.

Pomegranate tells me three times on its "NATURAL" derived from "NATURALLY" derived "NATURAL" ingredients. It must be pretty natural. Tastes that way too. It's pretty subtle, I think. You can definitely taste the 7-up under there. Very unlike our hero, C-Splash, which is dominated by its fruit namesake. I don't know if I find anything Christmasy about it, however. I mean... Oceanspray has already unofficially officially proclaimed cranberries to be the fruit of the holidays. Who does Pomegranate think it is?

Speaking of Cranberries... let's not forget Canada Dry. It, too, is a vary subtle drink. It's just barely not normal ginger ale. I really expected more from it. But then again.. they did just keep their normal bottle. I wouldn't be shocked if it is a normal bottle of Ginger Ale with dye added and the label changed. I think in a blind taste test I wouldn't be able to pick it out from the normal. Maybe I am not a ginger ale connoisseur. I'm not a connoisseur of much of anything other than coffee and Christmas. Now a Christmas coffee review.. that's a subject I can get behind.

So ladies and gentlemen.. there you have it. Cranberry Splash is still the number one soda of the holidays, but not the number one drink. I think that title has to go to Eggnog, which is unfair... because it is also the number one reason for heart failure in the Holidays and number one drinkable pudding of the the Holidays. I wanted to buy eggnog, but it is shockingly expensive. A quart from Mayfield? $3.98. I won't even drink half of the damn thing. If I did, I wouldn't make it to Christmas...

SPEAKING OF

32
days
until
CHRISTMAS

Working my way back into blogging...

While waiting for my tires to be changed at Walmart, I took the time to slowly carouse the Christmas department and really ask myself if any of it was reviewable. We've got the standard things you expect in a Walmart Christmas department in the south...

1. Nascar ornaments
2. A whole John Deere Section
3. Titans Ornaments
4. Vols Ornaments
5. Hunter Santa

And, then, somehow there are the things I don't expect.

There is nothing spectacular on surface level about this selection of gift bags. They are actually our cheapest ones. They are made of a brown paper that is only a step or two up from your typical lunch sack.

But somehow, I find them to be incredibly beautiful and incredibly Christmas-y.






This may be my favorite one. Just look at nature communing as one in the name of Christmas. I love the earthiness of this bag. Although.. on a humorous note, I have to say that what I like most about it is that all of the animals in it look ashamed or pissed. Check out that deer and his far away stare. He's thinking - I better get an extra itouch for letting these damn birds climb all over me (is that what deer dream of? I haven't read a deer amazon wish list). That white bunny is sadly looking down at his paws as though he stole his winter accessories from the body of a frozen rabbit, less lucky than he.




So if you get a present from me.. you might get it inside of these bags. If I don't start getting more hours at the wonderful walmart.. your present may be one of these bags. Sorry. But at least if you get the reviewed bag- I will include with it a short story explaining what lead to this animal snapshot and all that happened post. I may do that anyway.

Coming up... A review of a disturbing new toy I uncovered: The Puptini.

SO ... a mere...

33 days
TIL CHRISTMAS

Maybe this christmas...

My hopes are to write a really long and thoughtful Christmas blog later today. We'll see. For now, I am digging on one of my new favorite Christmas songs "Maybe this Christmas" by Ron Sexsmith.

Maybe this Christmas will mean something more
Maybe this year love will appear
Deeper than ever before
And maybe forgiveness will ask us to call
Someone we love
Someone we’ve lost
For reasons we can’t quite recall
Mmm, maybe this Christmas

Maybe there’ll be an open door
Maybe the star that shined before
Will shine once more, ohhh

And maybe this Christmas will find us at last
In heaven, at peace
Grateful at least
For the love we’ve been shown in the past
Maybe this Christmas
Maybe this Christmas"

It's a really spectacular song. I can't find youtube links of it, or I would totally be linking this thing up. At Kohls yesterday, they had Christmas music playing already! And the annual 5 dollar Kohls cares for Kids Christmas benefit cd. This year it's a country Christmas. Not nearly as good as last years featuring Jason Mraz's "Winter Wonderland" and Guster's fantastic "Donde Esta Santa Claus?"

44 days until Christmas!
(44 is my lucky number!)

Christmas photoshoot!

Merry Christmas!
48 days until christmas (still!)

It's Christmas time at Walmart

And you know what that means. We're rolling out the jolly like we're rolling back prices. Cha-ching! (for instance, that beauty to your left is $12 even baby... what a steal!) When you walk into the store, we're already assaulting you with a gigantic sign that directs you to our "Christmas Shop." Even our sales sheet is covered in red and green already. Don't you just love it? When it comes to Christmas, Walmart isn't screwing around. It's our commercial cash cow. We'll be getting bonuses from this for months. Well, maybe not we... maybe more like the corporate big-wigs. I'm a little wig. Maybe they will pay me for writing about our merchandise? I should propose this at the next afternoon meeting where they make us do the "walmart cheer" in the middle of the store - which has only three purposes:
1. to embarrass its employees
2. to somehow make us a team? (i.e. make us quit)
3. to make us kill ourselves

...That's not so jolly. Anywho! Back to jolly-times.

Now, I think I hyped our Christmas preparedness a little too much. We're not quite ready. We're at about 65% or so. Maybe even 60%. We're missing all of the lights and bigger displays, but the ornaments are out in force. Every year we have a particular set of ornaments I just love; last year it was our "natural" ornaments made out of real wood and acorns... this year is less earthy but without disappointment!

Here they are. A little simple. But I just love how its the basic Christmas "stuff" - we've got our red, green, and no fooling around. But I'm not going to lie... it is one particular ornament that got my eye --->

Something about this little tree.. held together by strings.. I don't know. It tugs at my heart strings! Is that redundant? This is my first blog in a while, have to learn wordplay again.

At Walmart, we know what screams Christmas -- and what poops it. That's right. This year we are offering a wide variety of animals that for some reason poop candy, a perfect stocking stuffer for every kid that thinks pooping is funny (which is EVERY kid):



1. What an upset Reindeer. He knows he shouldn't be pooping out candy while he's supposed to be on the job pulling Santa's sleigh. Don't worry buddy. When Santa retires you into glue, you'll be used to hold together toys.
2. You want poop? We got all kinds of animals that we can make vaguely Christmas. Look at that green monkey in the back? The red cow taking our foreground? He's even pooping into what appears to be a Christmas stocking-box-column. Imagine a sock of cow turds hanging from your fireplace.
3. Even these noble carolers will take a break from their singing to give you a non-melodious present.

What started the production of these? Why are there so many kinds? No, seriously. Somebody figure out and let me know.

AND IN CASE YOU NEEDED TO KNOW!!!!


48 days
til Christmas!
(almost 47! it is 11p)

Christmas Blog!

So, still trying to get back on track with my Christmas blogging these days. Need new ideas for materials! If you have any good ideas about things to review, go to, or just have general comments just send me an email at platypus.optima@gmail.com

Santa, bring me, bring me... love!

This is what happens when you listen to Big R- Christmas Top 40 hits on winamp radio. You find beautiful, poppy, Christmas music. Ladies and Gentlemen.. Marie Digby's Bring me Love. It's so terribly cute and wonderful.

"This year I can't say I've been perfect
I'm pretty sure I've got
a regret or two
but Santa please don't hold it
against me
cause this year I'm counting on you
to ...
bring me, bring me love oh
Santa bring me, bring me love oh
bring me love"

Christmas radio is definitely a way to get into the spirit in this pre-season. I think Christmas music more than most genres has an ability to tug at heart-strings and nostalgia. You can't listen to any song from the Grinch without thinking of your childhood (unless, of course, you never saw it.. in which case you must not celebrate Christmas because How the Grinch Stole Christmas as a book and cartoon is right up there with Santa Claus in Coming to Town and It's a Wonderful Life). So turn on your internet radio today... take a little time... and feel Christmases long passed... smell the cookies... envision the season...

83 days
until
CHRISTMAS!

Ways to find the Christmas mood.

Here we are. It's finally October, in other words only a few days until Christmas! Okay, more like a few weeks, but we're at that point where talking about Christmas doesn't get you those funny looks from your co-workers. (like when I started a Christmas Countdown at my work [Wal*mart] in August -- people were either delighted by my silver sharpie Christmas tree on the black cardboard I cut out or horrified) It's officially pre-season. It's pre-game time. It's time for a Pep Ralley for Christmas, my friends, and I am the pep-band, the cheerleaders, and the tail-gate party.

How are you going to get pumped about Christmas so early in this pre-season? Let's go over some basic steps.

First off, take a walk on a particularly crisp fall evening. Observe how the air makes you shiver and the lights coming out of the buildings or street lamps around you -- doesn't that light in the darkness look familiar? The soft glow .. does it give you a cheer?

Perhaps indeed these lights can be akin to a sight that your heart so longs to see...


Like our dear friend the Christmas tree (right). This particular specimen has been captured by a miracle. The brightness of the star upon the tree nearly destroyed my camera - that is is why the image is so very blurry. The true light and joy of this true was only able to comprehended in person. Even my memory does not do it justice. Shine on, star. I wonder how bright the star above Bethlehem was... I imagine somewhere a little above the brightness of this one, but not by much.. not by much...


Which brings me to an important step: Think about it! Let yourself daily find a Christmas moment - a great memory, a wish for this year, maybe even take a stroll through the growing section of Christmas stuff at Big lots or Walmart or the Dollar Store.

Another step: practice all of the things that Christmas brings out in people. Be kind, patience, generous! Think of others before yourself. Because hey, the Santa of our conscience is always watching. We can't hide from him - he knows when we're sleeping on our goodwill when we should be awake spreading it around.

Well, that's all of my Christmas pondering I shall spare for today!

84 days til Christmas!!!

The return. New thrilling, heart-warming content soon!

87 days
ho ho ho